Pandemic Parenting
Three Keys to Smooth Sailing
1)Listen! The most important thing we can do as grown-ups is to listen, not only to kids but to ourselves. Kids are always listening, they are very aware of what we are saying, even when we think they are not paying attention. All children want to know that they are the number one priority of their caregivers. They observe and discern at quite a young age the things the adults give their attention to. We talk about what is important to us, and they are hearing us loud and clear. You might not think about how “jokes” are perceived in a child’s eyes. “Mommy needs a glass of wine.” Or the way being treated as an annoyance stings, “Get out of the way, I am watching the game!” Even during a pandemic, you may not be able to be with them 24 hours a day, but when you are, do your best to be present. Hear them and answer their questions, as well as asking questions about what they are feeling. The underlying cause of insecurity and low self-esteem is feeling unworthy. If your first love (your parent) doesn’t make you feel like you matter, you will very likely spend the rest of your life seeking approval and still never approving of yourself.
2) Remember! Remember how it felt to be a child. Like a visitor on foreign shores, trying to understand a new world. Do you remember? Have you ever tried to speak a language that is not your first language and had people laugh? Did people ever treat you as if your ideas or feelings didn’t matter? Children often feel unsure of how to navigate and you are their anchor, be steady! Give them a safe harbor as they take their first steps in the world, at every stage they are needing guidance and awaiting your approval. The biggest pitfall in parenting is the fear of failing them by not pushing them hard enough. We think we must set the bar high and hope for them to achieve what we have not. But, when we think that is all a child needs, we sometimes miss the forest for the trees. Does your inner critic sound like your own parent? Like our own inner critic, we miss the accomplishments and focus on the next test or task, never celebrating the last. This generation gets to experience online education younger than ever before and they are gaining important skills that they are probably going to adapt to much faster than we are. Don’t forget to acknowledge that we should always be open to learning something new and remember, children are adept at absorbing new information and adapting.
3) Praise! Give them a reason to strive. When they know you will acknowledge their efforts, making you proud is what drives your child. But if your praise feels too difficult to attain, they may give up trying. As important as praise, it is also important to sympathize and commiserate with their struggles and be a believer in their dreams. Parenting is a balancing act, when we pad their falls too much they can have a false sense of security, but when we ignore their struggles, the feelings of futility can sink them. Let them know we all make mistakes, the best way to do that is to never hesitate to say you are sorry. Remind them that they are resilient and that everything is temporary. When you notice them maturing, tell them “You are handling this situation very well.” That can help them to see their own ability to weather difficulty. We have the challenge as parents and caregivers of being a ballast in heavy seas, where many times our own anxieties override our better instincts. We stand on the shores guiding them like a lighthouse in the fog as they venture forth, and our light can guide them or blind them.
